I did not see this coming.

You know you’ve come a long way when you have experienced progress that no one has noticed, and you notice a difference others can’t see.

let’s see…

The cons.
I already broke my New Year’s promise on New Year’s day.
Nearly two years later, after finally going through my mom’s things, I had misplaced her music box and my baby pictures.
School is back in session.
There are some pros;
I finally decided to take care of myself with a few tweaks; I’ll be back to pre-grief Kimberly by my 40th birthday.
Vacation is on the books!
I’m still going to keep my New Year’s promise.

When you look into their eyes and see nothing, run!

I read the book The Subtle Art of Not Giving a **** as a homework assignment. I saw the book on Amazon a few times in my self help phase but refused to read it because of the title. 

What a shame; honestly, this book has some real nuggets. I understand why my professor chose this book. 

Here are some excerpts that stood out to me:

“A lot of people hesitate to take responsibility for their problems because they believe that to be responsible for your problems is to also be at fault for your problems. Responsibility and fault often appear together in our culture. But they’re not the same thing.”

“We are responsible for experiences that aren’t our fault all the time. This is part of life.”

“Here’s one way to think about the distinction between the two concepts. Fault is past tense. Responsibility is present tense. Fault results from choices that have already been made. Responsibility results from the choices you’re currently making, every second of every day.”

Manson, Mark. The Subtle Art of Not Giving a **** (Excerpts from pp. 97-99). HarperCollins.

It’s Thanksgiving Day, and I am preparing a post about my one-year dreadlock journey. I don’t celebrate holidays; I haven’t celebrated a holiday since my mother died, so this is a typical day. Holidays for me consist of reflection, grief, guilt, and tears. So, I occupy myself as best as possible and start blogging. 

I started my post with, “first anniversary, as yesterday marks the first year I started my dreadlocks. 

To put this story in context, I started dreadlocks in memory of my mom; she loved locs. She loved them because ” my dad loved them.” She cut them off after he divorced her and restated them because she discovered she loved them. When she died, I had the mortician cut off a lock. I intend to add the loc to my own. 

As I started writing, I noticed that the word anniversary is similar to the word adversary. I google it, and the root word “vert” means “to turn”. 

I had an “ah-ha” moment. I don’t need “to turn” to a place and time that destroyed me. 

My anniversary of loss is genuinely my adversary. I don’t need to return to a place where I am a complete mess. 

-vert-, root. 

1. -vert-, and a related form -vers-, come from Latin, where they have the meaning “turn;

I took the day off from work and school today. My mental health has taken a dive since fall allergies have plagued my ability to sleep well. I have nightmares, trouble concentrating, headaches, and vision problems. It is hard to comprehend that seasonal allergies can cause a cascade of issues, but it has.

So as a thank you to me for all my hard work, I dropped the dog off at daycare, bought myself a gift, read a book, and ate lunch at one of my favorite restaurants. I hope to use the rest of my day to resolve a few problems and hopefully have a better tomorrow.

If you’re reading this and you are going through similar circumstances, I hope you find some time to take a break too.