If he wasn’t good for her, why would he be good for me? A man who abandoned his wife. Who pretended to be asleep when we were hungry. Who called us stupid but did not educate us. Who provided a roof over our heads out of obligation but not duty. Who arguably and undoubtedly is entitled to freedom but nonetheless also to goodwill towards others, better yet your own flesh. Painfully, respectfully I have reconciled your actions to you and you are not good enough for me.

I have to remind myself that all the ideas of happiness are man made; I must construct my own happiness.

I am grateful that I found God in a circumstance so many lost him in.

I see my successes as tools for the next level, not a reward.

Even when we do.

No one warns you that you still feel 16 when you’re 40; the only difference is with age, you use discretion.

We believe that justice comes swiftly, Our parents would scold us immediately as a child for wrongs so if punishments did not come immediately, we have learned that it isn’t coming at all. Sometimes because of our own guilt we would pay for our sins through charity, as a way to smooth over the guilt we have. Justice comes, at its own time.

Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother. But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican. Verily I say unto you, Whatsoever ye shall bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever ye shall loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven. Again I say unto you, That if two of you shall agree on earth as touching any thing that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father which is in heaven. For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.

God-inspired. King James Bible (KJV) (TTS-friendly; no verse numbers) . OSNOVA. Kindle Edition.

Be ye therefore merciful, as your Father also is merciful. Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven: Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, shall men give into your bosom. For with the same measure that ye mete withal it shall be measured to you again.

God-inspired. King James Bible (KJV) (TTS-friendly; no verse numbers) . OSNOVA. Kindle Edition.

I lost my mother after a month long battle with pneumonia. She went in April 27th and died May 27th. Here are a few things I wrote in her memory:

 A letter to my mother 

Dear mom I know you see my pain.

I recognize your struggle and I never was ashamed.

The messed up part is you didn’t see your worth.

You carried your pain from the cradle to the dirt. 

I wish you understood that man didn’t deserve you.

It pains me that you never saw your value.

but I say thank you God because I know you see it now.

I know you have a smile as you’re looking down. 

I have to forgive for both me and you 

and all the others who don’t even have a clue .

There were times I was so angry at you I couldn’t hold your hand 

and you kept telling me God had a bigger plan. 

Who knew the bigger plan was letting go 

and you had it written so plainly so that I would know.

I am still blinded by choice you made to leave 

I wish I had a safe and quiet place to grieve 

Mom, you will always have my heart. August 9th 2021

I couldn’t bring you back

IF I COULD

I wouldn’t bring you back

I would just go back…

I wouldn’t lengthen time

I would go to a time 

That was just our time 

If your purpose was your kids 

Then I would be that kid 

That super bad ass kid

Who didn’t do so well

So you would say well,

I guess I have to do well.

Just so you would say 

My end I must delay 

Just another day. June 19, 2021

I thought this request was virtually impossible. So, I defined “Pray,” and the definition is to: 

“Entreat, ask without stopping.” I used to think asking repeatedly was doubt. 

I have my own truth to keep; God’s truth… despite influences otherwise.